Broken

I cannot say that I have well thought words to write down today. All I know is I feel broken.  I have spent the last 1.5 months crying, feeling sorry for my self, angry and feeling hopeless.  I have cried to God asking why, why I have to go through this? why me? why does it get harder? why is the news worse every time I see the Dr? Why does God allow this? its so unfair so painful it all doesnt make sense. Why is this failure thrown at me again? why am I constantly reminded of the death of my daughter with every injection or pill? It is so cruel ....If she was here I dont think I would put myself through this. I feel in my heart that I want more children that my son needs a brother or a sister, why is it so hard for us to just concieve and have children, why did God put in my heart the need to have many children?why?why?

Today I found peace, peace in the unknown. I was walking with my hubby today and he told me "stop fighting this process and to basically accept that our way to parenthod is unconventional but it has worked  before." I have therefore stopped fighting the process. I have accepted that my way to motherhood is unconventional but that is how it is.  I  am not giving up ,at least not now. I will try another cycle . I at least have the privilege to even hope. Many many couples cannot afford fertility treatments. I have access to good insurance that affords me this privilege.

I know somewhere down the road I may get to this point again, a point of dejection and failure but I will remind myself of how lucky I am.  What does it benefit me to be down all the time. This process is already so difficult that I am doing myself an injustice by constantly feeling bad and pitying myself. It has occured to me that to improve my chances that I need to stay positive. This  by itself will not get me pregnant but I think continuing to live life will help me move on to whatever it is that the future has for me.

My fertility clinic posted some tips that have really helped  through a lot of these thoughts today.  I have copied the link below. They are simple and straighfoward yet I find them so hard to put into practice.

http://www.shadygrovefertility.com/newsletter/six-tips-help-you-survive-fertility-treatment

1. Expect people to say insensitive things
2. Have faith in the process but expect setbacks
3.Resist the temptation to over analyze every detail of your treatment cycle
4.Keep living your life
5.Talk about your journey with the right people
6.Learn to strik a balance between staying positive and letting go.

The tips that I needed most were # 4, 5 and 6 especially #6. If I dont stay positive then I may create a situation where mentally I am too distressed. This means that I am then not doing all I can do to achieve success at the end. It seems simple right, but for me very difficult to achieve.I pray to God to give me the strength to go on to be the best that I can especially for the sake of my hubby and son.