Thank you

S and Tash thanks for your comments. S, I am sorry for your loss too. Lets keep talking.


So I had a bad Monday night and whole of Tuesday. I am not sure if it is because I had an appointment today for Bloodwork and US. I am scared of the upcoming procedure while at the same time trying to stay positive. More than anything I just want my daughter back. Somehow the closer the IVF date approaches the more I think about my daughter. People say ask God for another child. My whole being wants to say...but you do not understand there will never be another Imani, she was somebody with her own personality, did things a certain way, cried a certain way, laughed , smiled, ate a certain way, I want that back.

I started reading Your Best Life now by Joel Osteen. The constant theme in this book is being positive, being thankful, enlarging your vision etc. I really do not like forwards but coincidentally, a friend sent me this today;

"DEAR GOD:
I want to thank You for what you have already done. I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until people say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me; I am thanking you right now.. I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears ; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves; I am going to thank you right now. I am not going to wait until the children are asleep and the house is quiet; I am going to thank you right now. I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get the job; I am going to thank you right now. I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed;
I am thanking you right now. I am thanking you because I am alive. I am thanking you because I made it through the day's difficulties. I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles. I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better"

So today I choose to say thank you. I feel crappy but I choose to be thankful.

I finally met my new Angel RN after my US and Bloodwork today. She is awesome. Honestly she did not rush us. I felt that she was really there to help us through this process. I am very glad that she will be working with us. I think in this process one needs all the good vibes they can get.

So at about 8pm I injected 150 iu of Follistim and one cc of dilutant to 1 Menopur powder. It was confusing at first ....I think I must have have used 20 alcohol swabs ....dont even ask why...just pure paranoia. My husband usually helps out with the injections but he will be coming later today so.....I had to do it. Once my nerves settled ....it was not that bad. The dose remains the same tomorrow. On Friday I go back to the Dr for US. My Lupron has been reduced to 5 units starting tomorrow.


My estradol level was 35. Angel RN said that they usually like to see a number below 50. Its funny they tested for pregancy today. I thought, we suppressed ovulation so how can I be pregant. My body is so predicatble. I have a 28 day cycle never ever went below or above that number and I ovulate at exactly 14 days. So I just know that when they stop ovulation, it really probably 100% stops. Thats why the pregancy test was a little interesting. Anyway I do understand why they did it, in the off chance that somehow I ovulated. They also checked for cysts. Non were found. Apparently suppressing hormones can cause cysts? I did not know that. I thought it only happens after stims.

So I did not excercise today. I guess I will try make up for it the rest of the week.

Thats it today.

Thanks all

CT

Pounds

I am very discouraged today. It appears I am about 6 pounds overweight than when I started running 4 times a week 1 month ago. I know they say that you gain some muscle when you start excercising but still........ I have a doctors appointment on the 29th and then start Gonal F and Menopur. I was hoping to weigh at least 4 pounds less than my starting weight(Weight 1 month ago.) Maybe it is the pill or the Lupron shot?

So I am now counting calories. I have had an account for along time now with caloriecount.com. It appears I have to consume 1200 calories a day to loose weight. So lets see how that goes.

Yesterday was last day of BCP so only on Lupron now.

The bread making is going well ....made two more loaves of bread. The thing is they are getting a little bit hard over time. Does anybody know how to avoid this?

I plan to go to the library and borrow a couple of books that have been recommended by book clubs. The plan is to try and stay distracted and occupied the next one month. I am excited but at the same time nervous. Its exciting to think that next month by Gods grace, on this date I could be pregnant.

Hoping ....

Thanks all.

Lets Break Bread Together

So I baked my first loaf of bread that is edible. I am very proud of myself. So how and why am I baking bread. Well I have always wanted to learn how to bake bread. In a bid to try and get healthy as part of trying to get pregnant I have decided to eat organic and cook as much food myself as I can.

In the recent past I managed to convinced my DH to join me in this organic eating endevour. I started by looking at what we eat or drink most. Bread, milk, vegetables, fruits, eggs and chicken topped the list. We are now buying organic no hormones or antibioics chicken, organic no animal products fed cows milk(amazing what you find out about food when you dig deeper) The last I knew, cows were herbivores(only eat plants), so why are they being fed animal parts...that just seems extremely wrong. The eggs are from chickens being fed grains only no antibiotics, hormones and no animal products too.

As for fruits and vegetables, the store I go to does not have an organic section for this. It seems like I might just have to start going to wholefoods. I am not sure how this change will will impact our budget. Anyways the point I am making is that I have this strong feeling that we really need to change how and what we eat. Then I got this idea that ....we eat bread everyday (almost) so this might be a good place to start.

So I googled bread recipies and found this website "http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/11/04/homemade-bread-cheap-delicious-healthy-and-easier-than-you-think/". Three hours later I had a great looking loaf of bread that tasted wonderful. I learnt how to make jam last year. So I quickly chopped some strawberries and raspberries and made some jam. Somehow I thought I still had some pectin(The stuff thats used to make it less runny and more spreadable) but LOL I couldnt find it. I was therefore missing one ingredient but it come out ok. I spread some on the warm bread....it tasted great and I know one thing for sure it does not have High fructose corn syprup which is supposed to be bad for us but is in almost every food we purchase.

I am not sure if I will be able to keep up with this bread baking business but so far so good.

Regarding IF today is day 5 on Lupron. Other than being extremely sleepy ehen I shouldnt, I feel ok. No moods or nothing. My RN emailed me today and said she is excited about next week which is when I start the Gonadotropins FSH (Gonal-F) and 75 IU LH&FSH (Menopur). I have not met this RN yet (will explain in another post). But I really already like her she is very positive and suportive. I think her attitude has helped improve my attitude for this process.

My DH is out with a friend who has from out of town to watch the Chelsea, A.C. Milan soccer game in the M&T Bank Stadium. So its boys night out today and once in a while like today, I really do not mind.I really like it when my DH hangs out with friends and stop being such a hermit.

Thanks all.

Here I go ....my first post

This is my firts post. I am not sure what to write.Why do I want to blog to the whole world about my struggles with trying to get pregnant? I am not sure what the answer to this question is yet. I guess I think that writting out my thoughts might somehow help me in this journey.

So.... I am on my first IVF after three failed IUIs. Today is the fourth day on Lupron. I am taking (supposed to have been taking) 10 units every day until the 26th. However due to some misunderstaing on my protocol instructions my DH was injecting 20 units for 3 days. Something made me read the protocal sheet again and although it said dosage is 0.2ml it compared this to 10units. 0.2ml is really 20 units.

So anyway, I called my RN, I will refer her to Angel RN since I think she is an Angel sent to us to support us in this difficult times. I will probably explain why in another blog later. Anyway ...so I call and leave a very long message stating that I think I was taking the wrong dosage and why. She emails me almost asap, and verified that I should be on 10 units since this practice never puts any of their patients in 20 units. She agrees that the protocol sheet was confusing.

So I ask her what do I do now. She says drop the dose to 10 units until the 26th. She assures me that there is no harm done. Somehow in this cycle I have somehow managed to finally be at peace. Several incidences in the recent past have ministered to me reminding me to leave my burdens at the feet of Jesus. The usual me is very analytical..which can sometimes
(ahh no many times) lead to stress.At any other time, this is what would be going through my mind..ok I am taking 10 units more than I should. This means that we have beem suppressing more than required. This inturns means that my ovaries will be even more asleep before we start stims. Finally I would have put the RN on the spot and been thoroughly upset.

Somehow this is not what happened. I am just at peace. I have come to the realization that without God all this is futile. Taking the wrong dose is obviously not a good thing but above all I have to trust God. My DH and I have gone through a lot and I can sincerely say that trusting God is a breakthrough for me. The peace I feel now has been absent for a long time. I do not know about tomorrow and what I will be feeling then but for today I am at peace.

Thank you all